


Chad VS The League of Looking After Michael’s Welfare Because He Won’t Do it Himself

by reachedthebitterend



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: M/M, absolute crack, with some feelings because malex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 05:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20204575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reachedthebitterend/pseuds/reachedthebitterend
Summary: Michael starts dating a Chad who is the Anti-Chad, Alex creates a league to protect him from himself, and not because he's still in love with him, or whatever.





	Chad VS The League of Looking After Michael’s Welfare Because He Won’t Do it Himself

**Author's Note:**

> written 03/18/19

“Welcome to the First Meeting of the League of Looking After Michael’s Welfare Because He Won’t Do it Himself,” Alex starts his impromptu meeting standing in front of the table and looking at everyone.

Isobel is the only one who seems to be taking this as seriously as Alex is.

“Um,” Liz starts, but Maria shushes her.

“I don’t particularly care about Michael’s Welfare to be honest,” Kyle says leaning back in his chair before he flinches back and almost topples over from the strength of Alex’s glare.

“Don’t you think you’re over exaggerating just a little?” Max asks.

Everyone stares at him with varying incredulous looks.

“You? Giving advice on not to be Extra?” Isobel asks him. “The world is coming to an end.”

“Can we get back on track here?” Alex asks and then starts passing out manila folders to everyone.

“Um,” Liz starts again when she opens her folder to see a blown up picture of Michael with the guy he’s been seen hanging around for the past two weeks.

This time Maria doesn’t stop her.

“Chad is actually a really nice guy,” she starts.

Alex starts talking over her.

“We literally don’t know anything about this guy.”

“He works with me at the hospital,” Liz tries again.

Isobel talks over her this time.

“Yeah, all we know is that he’s new in town, but seriously, who’d move to Roswell, if they had another choice?”

“His grandfather retired to one of the old hunting cabins,” Liz says a little bit louder than she usually speaks. “You’ve probably seen him around, Alex.”

Alex is too busy agreeing with Isobel to listen to her.

They spend the next twenty minutes agreeing about how much Roswell sucks.

“You know, you can move, any time,” Maria says still flipping through the dossier.

Both Alex and Isobel look at her like she was crazy.

“Okay, so to recap,” Alex says. “All we know about this guy is that his name is Chad.”

He wrinkles his nose. So does Maria.

“He moved to Roswell for no reason.”

Liz throws her hands in the air and starts muttering under her breath in Spanish.

“And he’s managed to catch Michael’s attention, even though he’s patently a one man kind of bisexual.”

“That’s kind of biphobic,” Maria starts. “You can’t be mad that it’s another guy that he’s dating. He’s bisexual. It was always a possibility that he’d find someone other than you attract-”

“They’re not dating,” Alex says loudly speaking over Maria. “But Chad wants to date him, Michael is definitely playing hard to get, which means he’s interested, which means we have to kill Chad.”

“I think that’s a step too far,” Kyle says without looking up from the paperwork he’s reading.

Alex sighs and crosses out the last item on the list in front of him. “Fine, no murder.”

Isobel sighs as well.

“How did you even get your hand on his birth certificate and hospital reco-?” Max starts.

“The point is,” Alex says loudly. “That Michael is shit at taking care of himself when he likes someone.”

Everyone suddenly finds something other than Alex more interesting.

“So we have to do it for him.”

And because no one can actually disagree with that statement, they go along with Alex’s plan.

***

They send Liz in first.

***

“I already told you I work with him,” Liz says exasperated when Alex interrupts her in the middle of an experiment. “He’s a really nice guy, like an actual nice guy. He brings me lunch when he notices that I’ve worked through my lunch hour, and he actually listens when someone is speaking to them.”

***

“Welcome to the Second Meeting of the League of Looking After Michael’s Welfare Because He Won’t Do it Himself,” Alex starts off their second meeting.

Liz is noticeably absent.

“Where’s Liz?” Kyle asks.

“She’s moved on to a better place,” Alex replies.

“First order of business,” he keeps going before anyone can say anything else. “We’ve found out that he works at the hospital, so I did some digging-”

Kyle drops his head on the table.

Max leans his elbows on the table and looks at Alex seriously. “You hacked into the hospital records?”

Alex gives him a look, “It was literally like taking candy from a baby. I was shocked and appalled and ashamed at how easy it was to get in. I wrote them a strongly worded letter with some ideas as to how to better protect their records.”

Kyle picks his head up a little and then drops it back on the table with a thump.

Maria pats him on the back.

“Alex,” Max starts sounding a little condescending. “I can’t help you if you’re going to be doing illegal things.”

Alex looks at him, blinking blankly. “Because murder and being an accessory to murder are totally legal.”

“He’s got you there,” Isobel says.

“Fine,” Max says. “I’ll go next then, shall I?”

***

The less said about Max’s attempt the better.

***

“Look, it’s not my fault okay?” Max says as both Isobel and Alex stand over him while he sits in one of the booths at the Wild Pony waiting for Chad to come back with his refill. “He used my only weakness.”

Both Isobel and Alex stare at the pile of thick books in front of him on the table.

“For shame,” Isobel starts.

“I can’t believe that you would betray us like this,” Alex continues.

“Your own flesh and blood,” Isobel.

“After everything that we’ve done for you,” Alex.

“Oh,” Chad interrupts and both Isobel and Alex turn to him in unison. “I didn’t know you were all going to be here. I can go make another run to the bar.”

He smiles brightly.

Alex makes a rude noise with his mouth and rolls his eyes before turning around and walking out of the bar.

Isobel smiles back at Chad but it looks more like a shark smiling at a helpless seal it just found caught in a trap during a dry spell of food.

“We’ll be meeting again,” she tells him and then walks out after Alex, but with more dignity.

***

“Welcome to the Third Meeting of the League-”

“We know already,” Maria says and smiles when Alex glares at her interruption.

“Do I even want to know what happened to Max?”

“He’s sleeping with the fishes,” Alex responds completely serious.

Kyle drops his head to the table. At this point, he’s probably going to end up with a concussion by the time this is over.

“I think you’re going about this the wrong way,” Maria says as she stands and walks over to the front of the table, pushing Alex to sit down next to Isobel.

“Chad is the one we should be worried about here,” she continues as Isobel and Alex share a glance.

“He’s genuinely sweet, and he actually really likes Michael. I think that Michael is just using him to get over-”

“Okay first of all,” Alex says interrupting Maria. “Michael doesn’t use anyone, ever.”

“Second of all,” Isobel continues. “He knew exactly what kind of books Max likes. That’s really suspicious.”

“Actually it’s not,” Kyle says. “I heard him and Michael talking when Michael came by during one of Chad’s lunch breaks about Max-”

“Third of all,” Alex continues as though Kyle wasn’t even speaking. “His smile is creepy.”

“Really creepy,” Isobel says turning to Alex. “Like super ultra white.”

“Like only serial killers have smiles that white,” Alex replies.

“I think you’re skipping several steps there,” Kyle tries to interrupt.

“Yeah,” Maria says agreeing with Kyle. “Maybe he’s just really into oral hygiene, which confuses me, because who cares that much about their mouth and teeth and then just makes out with Guerin-”

“What?” Both Isobel and Alex ask at the same time.

“He kissed him,” Alex says voice soft and broken.

Everyone suddenly finds everything else more interesting than Alex.

“If it’s progressed to make outs we gotta move faster,” Isobel says taking over the meeting.

“Kyle,” she says turning to him, and Kyle sighs and raises his head from the table. “You’re next. Are you up for the challenge?”

He blinks blankly at her.

She raises an eyebrow at him.

“Fine. I’ll do it. But you guys are definitely not going to like it.”

***

He’s right. They don’t.

***

“So,” Maria says stretching out the o. “Kyle is-”

“Paying a long extended visit to the hospital morgue, yes,” Alex says, but he hasn’t looked up from his laptop to even start their fourth meeting.

“There,” he says with satisfaction and closes the laptop and smiles at them. “Now it’s official.”

“What’s official?” Maria asks afraid of the answer given Alex’s current state of mind.

“I took care of Kyle,” he says cryptically. “Okay, let’s begin.”

“Welcome to the Fourth Meeting of the League of Looking After Michael’s Welfare Because He Won’t Do it Himself.”

“Or the League of We’re Using Military Satellites to Stalk Our Exes Because They Started Dating Someone New,” Maria says giving a pointed look at the tablet on the table streaming ongoing footage of Michael whenever he’s within view of a camera.

Alex doesn’t respond to that.

“We’re down to three,” Alex says. “And we don’t have that much time left. I overheard Michael making plans and I think it’s going to happen tonight.”

Maria closes her eyes. “Please tell me we’re not cockblocking Guerin.”

Isobel and Alex look at each other. “_We’re_ not,” Alex says deliberately.

Isobel gives Maria a smirk. “But you are!”

“How am I supposed to do that exactly?” she asks looking between the two of them.

“I have a plan,” Isobel says and both her and Alex share a smirk.

***

The plan works. Ish.

***

“You’re stalking me?” is the first thing Michael says when he walks into Isobel’s patio to find her and Alex bent over a laptop that they both shut and smile at him beguiling, like he can’t tell when they’re _both _lying.

“Of course not,” Isobel starts.

“Why would I even need to stalk you?” Alex continues scoffing.

“All I have to do is call you and you’ll tell me exactly where you are or drop everything you’re doing to run to my side,” Isobel keeps going.

“And it’s not like I don’t have better things to do. My life doesn’t revolve around you Guerin,” Alex says and starts to gather up his papers only for a folder to fall on the floor and burst open showing all the pictures that Alex has printed of Michael’s face.

Michael looks at him and raises an eyebrow. “That’s not mine,” Alex says immediately. “I’m just holding it for a friend.”

“Right,” Michael says and looks at Alex intently with his wide intense eyes that can usually figure out very quickly what Alex is trying to hide, but this time he’s drawing a blank.

“They’re mine,” Isobel says coming to Alex’s rescue. “I need more pictures of you for my family scrapbook.”

She reaches over to the empty chair and pulls out a scrapbook, opening it to an empty page that has Michael’s name written in calligraphy at the top.

“Alex is helping me as the only other person in town that knows you as well as I do, what with Max on his road trip with Liz along the Coast of California.”

She smiles at him, and Michael _knows _that she’s lying but he doesn’t have any actual proof.

“Where is Maria?” he asks because he knows that she was involved in whatever this is after what happened last night.

“She’s with Rosa now,” Alex says sighing and dropping on his chair.

Michael gives Isobel a look. Isobel narrows her eyes at him, and looks pointedly at Alex.

Michael licks his lips and shrugs.

“Fine,” he says. “Don’t tell me the truth. But I’m watching you both.”

Alex sighs again and gives Michael a droll look. “How is that _any _different than usual?”

Michael doesn’t answer, he just turns and leaves, because Alex is right, but he doesn’t have to tell him that.

***

“You’re amazing,” Alex tells Isobel once Michael leaves.

“I know,” Isobel says smiling and sticking the scrapbook back in the chair. “And I’ve got a plan that won’t fail.”

She smirks at Alex, and Alex smirks back at her.

“I’m going in, and we’re going to figure out what this _Chad _actually wants with Michael.”

***

The plan fails, obviously.

***

“I cannot believe that you would do this to me,” Alex says when he gets to Isobel’s to see that she has company in the form of Chad.

Isobel gives him a guilty smile.

“I used my powers on him,” Isobel admits. “He has no ulterior motives. He actually really likes Michael. And he really wants to get to know us all, especially _you _since Michael talks about you _a lot_.”

She gives him a meaningful look, but Alex is too busy being upset.

“You were my last hope,” he says as though he hasn’t listened to a word she’s said, because he hasn’t.

“Alex,” Isobel says and puts her hands on his shoulders. “I think you should talk to Michael.”

“That’s a terrible idea,” Alex responds immediately. “I’d literally rather lose my other leg than do that.”

Isobel makes a face at him.

“Thank you for being a traitor to the cause,” Alex says as he turns to leave.

“Just because Max is gone doesn’t mean you have to pick up his mantle of Dramatique Bitch!” Isobel yells after him.

Alex ignores her. It’s time for him to step it up a notch.

***

He finds absolutely nothing dangerous and about sixty things that are too tragic to even share with anyone, and here is Alex sitting down at the Wild Pony with all of this forbidden knowledge about Michael’s _boyfriend _trying to drink himself into some sort of amnesia that’ll make him forget that Chad was six years old when his parents were killed in a car accident, he was raised in the foster system, falling through the cracks and becoming homeless at sixteen, doing suspect criminal activity to survive until he found his only living relative, his grandfather dying of cancer who retired two cabins down from the Valenti cabin, which is the reason he made the move to Roswell.

So Alex is here drinking to forget just how perfect Chad is for Michael, just how much they have in common, and how they can talk about their shared experiences, and just how wonderful it must be for them to actually talk about things.

Which is of course when Chad sits across the table from him.

He’s blonde and blue eyed with perfect teeth and looks like he hits the gym regularly, and Alex would love nothing more than to slit his throat with a rusty knife every time he thinks about the fact that he’s _kissed _Michael.

“I’m Chad,” he says smiling and holding his hand out for Alex to shake.

Alex looks at his hand, and then looks at Chad in the face and grabs his beer and takes a drink.

Chad’s hand falls to the table.

“Look, I understand that you may not like me,” he starts off looking earnest.

Alex scoffs, but doesn’t say anything.

“But I think that Michael can become someone really important to me, and I want to get to know every single person important to him because he loves you guys so much.”

Alex gives him an incredulous look. “Are you being serious right now?”

Chad frowns minutely but covers it up with a smile pretty quickly. Alex wonders how Michael feels about dating someone who’s never actually telling you how they feel.

“i don’t understand what you mean?”

“I don’t care if Michael becomes important to you,” Alex says using air quotes. “It’s not like it’s actually going to last.”

Chad frowns and this time he doesn’t try to hide it, which means points in his favor, bringing him to a whooping -383.

“Why do you say that?”

Alex downs the rest of his beer and sets it down before he leans over the table and looks at Chad in the eyes, tracking them down the length of his torso and back up, before scoffing and dismissing him.

“You’re perfect for him, I’ll give you that,” Alex starts. “But you’re hiding behind this whole smiling I’m a nice guy routine. And once he figures out that you’re just overcompensating because you are as interesting as a piece of cardboard, he won’t even look back.”

Chad opens his mouth and closes it a few times but before he can actually speak, Alex is talking again.

“Which I find interesting, with your past you should be as colorful as Michael is, but sadly you’re just completely boring and predictable.”

“I don’t know who you think you are-” Chad starts a spark of anger in his eyes.

“Hi,” Alex cuts him off. “I’m Alex Manes. Codebreaker, War Veteran, Purple Heart Recipient, and the only person to ever keep Michael’s attention for longer than a week.”

Chad swallows hard, but doesn’t back down, which more points for him. “Oh, and how long was that, because it’s been more than two weeks and he still hasn’t looked at anyone else.”

Alex snorts and rolls his eyes before he’s standing up. “It’s cute that you think this is a competition.”

“You’re the ex here, remember?” Chad snaps, and well, look at that, maybe there is something colorful in him after all.

“Yeah, but I’m also the one who kept his attention for the last ten years,” Alex says smiling when Chad’s face falls and he grabs his empty beer bottle and leaves him alone at the table. throwing the bottle in the trash on his way out.

***

Alex of course didn’t realize that everyone was hanging out at the bar along with Chad, playing pool on the other side of the room.

Michael takes one look at Chad’s face and stalks after Alex.

***

Isobel sits across from Chad.

“Sorry about that,” she says not really sounding sorry at all.

“We would’ve warned you,” Max continues sitting down beside Isobel. “But you can never be too sure how Alex will react to something.”

“And it was hilarious to see him rip into you like that,” Kyle says drinking his beer.

Both Maria and Liz punch Kyle on the shoulder as they pass him to sit down on either side of Chad.

“There are other fish in the sea,” Maria starts. “And they’re all a much better catch than Guer-ow!”

Maria glares at Isobel.

Isobel gives her a winning smile back.

Chad gives them all confused looks. “What are you talking about? Michael and I haven’t broken up.”

“Oh honey,” Isobel says sounding so sad.

“Come on,” Liz says because she actually likes Chad. “You should probably see it for yourself.”

Everyone migrates outside, as soon as the doors open all you can hear is Michael and Alex yelling at each other, over each other, neither of them listening, as they keep arguing, taking steps so that they’re steadily getting closer, eating the distance between them.

“-and maybe if you weren’t such a fucking coward-” Michael can be heard shouting.

“-you’re so selfish! You think everything is about you-” Alex can be heard shouting.

“-selfish?? You’re the one who can’t even deal with the fact that I might like another guy who is not you-”

“-did you just call me a coward? Where do you get off talking to me like that? After everything I’ve done for you-”

“-you can’t keep throwing that shit in my face! I didn’t make you do anything!”

“You didn’t have to! I did it because I love you!”

“I hate you so fucking much!” Michael yells right in front of Alex’s face.

And then they’re making out.

No one knows exactly who made the first move, but they all blinked and then suddenly Alex was pressing Michael back into the passenger side of the Michael’s truck, kissing him like he was trying to eat him alive, and Michael wasn’t faring any better, hands everywhere, pulling Alex back in with fingers in his hair when it looked like Alex was going to pull away.

Maria leaves to go back inside of the bar, muttering under her breath.

Everyone watches as Michael pushes Alex into the car, and starts biting down his neck.

“Are they gonna-?” Kyle starts.

“I hope not,” Isobel says wrinkling her nose.

“Hey!” Max yells. “Public indecency is a law you know!”

Both Michael and Alex, lift one hand in unison and flip Max off.

They didn’t stop kissing.

Chad makes a little hurt noise and Liz places a hand on his back. “Come on, let’s go drink our sorrows.”

Liz and Chad pass Maria who is coming out of the bar carrying a hose.

Maria doesn’t even say anything as she turns it on and sprays Alex and Michael until they’re about five feet apart and soaking wet.

“What the fuck Maria!?” Alex yells shaking the water from his hair.

“Horny cats get the hose,” she responds before turning the water on them once more for good measure and then she walks back inside of the bar.

Max is giving Michael a disappointed look.

“Don’t you think you guys should talk about your issues before falling into bed together?”

Alex and Michael look at each other and then burst out laughing.

“Of course not,” Alex says giving Max an incredulous look.

“Who am I?” Michael says moving next to Alex and slinging an arm around his shoulder. “You?”

“And besides, we’re not going to fall into bed together,” Alex continues. “The back of the truck will do for now. It’s been too long. I don’t want to wait.”

“Ew,” Max says.

Isobel gags.

Michael smiles and kisses Alex again.

***

_Two Days Later_

“Fuck. I forgot to break up with Chad.”

“I took care of that, don’t worry.”

“Should I be scared?”

“No, he’s just taking a nice long trip to the city in the sky.”


End file.
